Something new and something blue

Image that reads "I'm getting married soon, and I'm so very excited. I feel very comfortable in my relationship. Things between us have kind of always seemed too good to be true...and I guess I've always struggled with that a little. My childhood home was one of abuse, and a divorce that didn't come quick enough. When I was younger, I swore I'd never marry because of what I saw my parents go through. Obviously I changed my mind as I got older and I really thought I had worked through those feelings, but with the wedding getting closer all those old trust and commitment issues are sort of bubbling up. I feel as though a past I'm not responsible for is weighing down what should be one of the happiest times of my life. Any advice for a nervous bride? Sincerely -I'm My Something Blue"

Something blue,

  1. You signing your submission as "I'm my something blue"... shook. In awe. You are a poet and talented and wonderful and whoever you are marrying is lucky as hell.

  2. You are not your parents. You are not that pain, that abuse, and you are not destined to be any of that.

Relationships are hard. Trust is HARD. Our parents, God love 'em, FUCK US UP. Even the parents that are in healthy happy relationships do SOMETHING that makes their children feel abandoned, neglected, detached, overly attached... whatever. That is why I fully believe everyone should go to therapy at least once in their lifetime... See previous post on self care.

Basically, you being worried is normal. You being stressed out is absolutely normal. i mean, you are entering a what most want to be a life long commitment. It is a huge decision and will change your life completely.... that is scary as hell.

Obviously I do not know the severity of your childhood situation and I do not mean to diminish it AT ALL but try to put that behind you. You have made it this far with apparently a successful relationship and you should be so damn proud of that.

Why do you think your relationship is too good to be true?

Because it is different from what you are used to? GOOD! That is amazing news. I found this video fairly recently that is all about why people keep picking shitty partners and ... it is because that is what we know. That is what we are used to. If you are uneasy because this relationship feels out of the norm, CONGRATULATIONS, you are breaking a toxic cycle and

you. deserve. it.

You're both going to hurt each other. You just are. That is the reality of caring for someone. Neither of you are always going to meet expectations, neither of you will always be kind and caring and generous. You're going to have some really shitty days and some really shitty fights but I hope you'll remember your parents in those times. Use that relationship, those fights, that abuse as a model of what NOT to do.

I hope you'll recognize ANY red flags. With your partner and with any relationship.

One thing I have noticed with friends that grew up in a less than perfect home is that they look over these red flags. They look past their friends and people close to them expressing concern. I say this to emphasize, PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT MATTERS.

If you are expected to to pay for everything with no effort from your partner - red flag.

If you are being "monitored" in any way - red flag.

If everyone in your life hates this person - red flag.

If you're worried about creating a new life with some and are hesitant to make this huge life're normal. You're making a HUGE change. You're literally upheaving your entire life and combining it with someone else. That is HELLA scary. My parents are still married, my parents never fought in front of me, they never spoke poorly of each other... They have a - I guess - "good" marriage. I'd be terrified in your situation. Terrified.

Seriously, if you never have, please try talking to a therapist or counselor. I cannot begin to express how helpful it has been for me.

I hope you'll let go of the worry and focus on enjoying this time. Planning a wedding is incredibly stressful and there is SO MUCH pressure on you right now, try your best to focus on what you're actually doing - marrying someone you love and loves you back. Celebrate and enjoy!

Need advice?