I was sitting outside of a coffee shop this morning alone so of course I was listening to the conversation between the two women sitting at the next table.
One of them was telling the other "I hate my job. I don't want to work for such a huge company, this shit is terrible" and they sat there talking about how neither of them knew what the hell they wanted, where they wanted to be, or what they wanted to be doing and that this year, they were going to figure it out. This year would be different. This year, they'd figure it out.
Every new year we are all overwhelmed with the pressure of being ...better. Being the best version of the previous year's version of you. Being healthier, saving more money, just all around...CHOOSING to be a better person.
Every new year I find myself thinking the same thing.
"This year, I want to be happy."
Every year. "I want to be happy." Every year this seems to be getting harder and harder for me.
Every new year while contemplating how to be better at being happy, I start to reflect on the past year. Which turns into reflecting on the past years. Which then turns to recounting every little detail of every bad thing that has ever happened to me. Quick turn, right?
I can't help but replay them all over and over. And dissect them. And wonder why the hell this or that person said this or that thing. Why someone who at some point claimed to care for me would say or do something that would hurt me.
Then this turns into me OBSESSIVELY wondering...do they even think about me? Here I am...pathetically replaying shit from years past and ...do I even cross their mind. Does that conversation only live in my memory? What I wish I could say to them and OH what I wish they'd say back.
But then I remind myself that I can't do anything that will ever make someone tell me what I want to hear, what I guess it is I feel they owe me.
I'll never get that apology. They'll never acknowledge what they did or said.
And I know that.
So... why is it that I can't accept that?
Why is it that I can't get over it? Move past it? Refuse to ever accept it again?
But I can't.
I haven't.
I simply don't know how.
This new year, I've been asking myself the same questions.
I don't expect this year to be different. I don't expect to figure anything out. I don't think anyone ever really does that.
But I am hopeful that this year will bring me rest. I am hopeful that I will find a better way to deal with shit rather than dwell on it.
I am hopeful that my focus will be on me and what I need and what I can control instead of being in a constant state of wondering.
I hope 2021 treats you all better than 2020. I hope you're all safe and in good health.
I hope in 2021, you'll be happy.