Most people go through some seasonal depression shit and that sucks. This time of year is honestly awful for a lot of people. Time change - screws everything up. Drop in temp - can't go outside, no vitamin D, sucks. Static because of more clothing - SUCKS.
I'm not talking about that today.
I'm talking about me, myself, and I, and the absolute shit show that is my mental health.
Excited to keep reading? Probably as excited as I am to write it. Glad you're here with me.
Depression looks different for everyone.
If I am on a "low" I am usually on the verge of tears... at all times. I don't sleep. I am irritable MOST of the time. I am not satisfied with anything and I look for distractions. Any distraction.
I am depressed.
I am lonely.
I am absolutely broken.
I distract myself with other people’s problems to avoid my own.
I express my own shit through “stories” that are, *I* think, funny because my delivery is *flawless* and because of this, people don’t always know when I am asking for help because I am not EXPLICITLY asking for help. Let's be honest, I'm not asking for help but I need it.
The only people who have seen the worst of me are probably my brother and the poor souls that I have dated. To those people, a genuine, full hearted, thank you.
So am I writing this to ask for help? No. As we just established, asking for help isn't my style.
I’m putting this out there for...me? I honestly don’t know but HERE WE ARE.
I made a video about my depression because as of late, it is getting the better of me. I recorded it. I rewatched it once.I can't post it.
I cry too much and if you know me, and have ever seen me cry...it is... devastating. It is gross and just... yeah, we are not going there.
INSTEAD Imma talk about that video and the point I wanted to get across minus the red, swollen face and matted hair.
Yes, I said matted hair.
I have extremely fine hair. According to all of the people who have cut my hair, it is VERY fine but I have a lot of it. I don't believe them about the "having a lot of it" thing because my ponytail is the circumference of a penny but THAT'S FINE.
Because I have fine hair, it is INSANELY easy for my hair to tangle and knot and real real quick in turns into four matted sections. So this is one of those things that if I don't address the problem immediately, it can get WAY out of hand. This is when my depression comes into play.
I let it get out of hand.
Way out of hand.
Don't get me wrong, thankfully depression for me doesn't mean that I don't shower, it means I shower way too often, which doesn't help the hair situation. If ya don’t know, super clean hair, means super tight knots.
So this past Thursday, I was SUPPOSED to go to a volunteer shift. I was excited about this shift. It was a low stress, honestly what most would consider to be a "fun" shift and... I couldn't go. I came home from work and started doing my makeup. I hadn't had a "bad" day. I wasn't in a "bad" mood. But the whole time I was doing my makeup to get ready for this shift, I kept thinking to myself "I'm not going."
I was supposed to be at this shift at 6:30. 6:15 rolls around, the time I needed to leave my house to be on time and... I could not go.
I can't explain that with any depth. I can't put a reason to it. I can't tell you WHY or pinpoint anything for you. I can't do that for myself either. I just...could not go.
So to justify not going - I brushed my hair.
This sounds so trivial. So, so trivial. But for me, it’s not.
It took me TWO HOURS AND 40 MINUTES to brush through my hair.
It took HALF A JAR of coconut oil to brush through my hair.
It took a twenty minute hair mask (thank you overtone) to brush through my hair.
It took THREE APPLICATIONS of conditioner to brush through my hair.
You get the idea, here?
I am not embarrassed or ashamed of my depression. I will, without hesitation talk about going to my sessions every week, run through every breakdown I've had.
I usually only do that though if it will help me relate to someone else and make them feel okay to share their struggle.
I am the "strong" friend.
I LOVE that people come to me for advice, obviously. I love that the people in my life view me as someone who can help them in some way, and they know that I will do my absolute best to help them.
I get a false sense of ...loneliness? Because of it. I feel as though I can't NOT be the "strong" friend. I put myself in a box.
"They only talk to you when they NEED you. You are supposed to make THEM feel better. They don't want to be bothered with you."
I don't call a friend if I'm sad. I don't reach out to anyone if I'm not okay. I'm just not okay. I just cry in my shower.
I focus on being alone and not having anyone when in reality, without the bullshit self sabotage, I know I am not alone. I do have people I can rely on. I do have people that care about me but DAMN if it's not hard to remind myself of that.
I am not someone who doesn't show up. I am not someone who cries at a bar because the bartender asks "how are you?".
My depression is not me. It's a very ugly part of me that I have to work through every day because otherwise, I lose me.
I've lost me. I miss me.
And I'm working my ass off to get back to me.
Anyway, this is long enough. Running my mouth usually helps me so I HOPE if you need it, this maybe helps you feel okay to run yours.